I'm writing this in the midst of our second-last homestudy appointment. The kids are squished into the loveseat, being interviewed by K our case worker. We have been handed the compatibility inventory, the list of characteristics and conditions we are open to, to review and complete. Maybe I'm getting old, but this stapled five-pager is making me want to cry. Cry because it's getting real, cry because our little one has suffered some of the items listed, cry because we are filtering out kids who also need a forever family with every 5 - Unwilling we score, cry because I'm scared.
I thought I would be writing you to encourage you, now in the thick (indicated by the promotion from the Honda Civic to a van), but maybe I'm pleading for some hugs from the future too.
What is it like?
Are you getting any sleep?
What do you miss?
How are Ben and the kids doing?
How is our little one?
Are you connecting?
Are you being well supported?
Are you being honest and open about everything to Ben?
I'm so curious, love. Everything is so very hypothetical right now. She asked today if she should call us if a little Filipino girl showed up and my eyes bugged out at Ben. Well, gosh, I never thought of that. Who knows what's next? I'm reading a new memoir by a woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer and found out she was pregnant in the same week with the adoption of a daughter from china around the corner. Hmm. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea, getting my imagination running, or maybe it was. It keeps me open to all possibilities in general, hopefully without paranoia.
So listen, I'm going to try being the braver one right now, even though you know more than I do.
Don't be proud.
You guys have never done this before, and sharing your story wasn't about proving you're pros at anything. This is about being real, being open and being humble about being regular ol' people trying out extraordinary things. Which can't be done without an immeasurably more God (Ephesians 3:20-21). Recognize the support He is sending your way. And acknowledge the seeds that are slowly but surely sprouting just beneath the surface. Keep on keepin' on.
Every time you read this, know that I am praying for you from over here. That you will always be aware that you have everything you need to do this (Ephesians 1:15-21). Seriously, you do.
Now wrap your arms around the screen. Let's hug.