open letters – to little one #write31days

Dearest Little One,

You don’t know me yet and I don’t know you yet either, but one day, soon I hope, we will meet.  When we do, you will learn that my name is Leah.  You can call me that for as long as you need to.  Kids call me Lei Lei, if you like that better.

Where are you right now?

Are you downtown?  Are you in Eastern Ontario?  Are you around the block from where I live?

Are you safe?  Warm?  Confused?  Angry?  Lonely?  Scared?

Do you like grilled cheese sandwiches?  Ice cream?  Lego?  Basketball?  Math?  Pixar movies?

I wonder these kinds things about you all the time.  And in case you’re wondering, I have a husband, two daughters, one son, I like reading, ice cream, puzzles, I’m really good at hugs, I’ve had times in my life when I felt lonely and scared, and I know what it’s like to have more than one mom.

I’m not perfect.  I won’t know how to soothe all your pains right away.  We will both probably feel lost at first.  But I’m trying to learn as much as I can, from classes and books and other families, so that I can help lead us all out into a really great place I know is there for us together.

As I write this, we are days away from officially beginning our search for you.  I don’t know how long it will take, but I know that each day that passes will take us one day closer to the really great place, and I want that for us, but I especially don’t want you to wait longer than you have to to get there.  And before we can start all that getting-to-know-each-other and amazing-future-together work, we have to find you.

I promise you, Little One, that we will do everything we can to find you.  And while we are looking and asking and following up, we will keep praying for you to this really awesome God who loves us and takes care of us and helps us do all things.  Because guess what?  You may not see it now, but He loves you too, and takes care of you too, and is helping you do all the wonderful things you do and will do as you grow up.

It’s a strange feeling, having so much love for someone I haven’t met yet.  But Little One, I love you so much.  The image I have of you in my head is so blurry, it’s like there’s a thick fog between us, but there’s this invisible but powerful connection, this warmth, that is stretching beyond the fog and wrapping around you.  It doesn’t need to know how tall you are or what your hair looks like or the shape of your eyes.  It’s just reaching for your hands and your heart.

 

Little One, my son, I will find you.