It's been one of those exceptionally unbrave days for me. This is in contrast to the last few weeks when I've allowed myself to dream a little bit beyond reasonable. Sometimes it just takes one thing said, one post or email read, one picture to irrationally burst a wildly courageous What If.
I hate it when that happens.
As a chronic over-thinker, I have been fighting for control of my mind and heart all day. Forced deep breaths, calming self-talk, visualizing my heart pumping a little bit slower (seriously, I did that a couple of times this afternoon),
rambling thinking out loud to a couple of poor suckers loved ones.
Leading into dinnertime I was masking my unease, still able to engage fully in conversation (and 4+ rounds of 20 questions) with the kids. But eventually it peeked out, begging so what are you going to do about it?
I went upstairs, stopped trying to claim control and dove into the Word.
In Exodus 14, the Israelites are freaking out at the edge of the Red Sea because the Egyptians have come after them, threatening the freedom they thought they had secured, and really, their lives. You know what amazing things happen next.
But what Moses said to them just before God has him raise his staff seems to be exactly what I needed to be told today too:
"Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see them again no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14:13-14)
It seems I have my orders. To be still and quiet, listening to Him and allowing the day to close on His terms. Not mine, where I behave like the fatalist piano player on Sesame Street. Instead, more like someone who understands that her dreams are being refined into something exceedingly, abundantly more than anything she could imagine (Ephesians 3:20).